A few (XXX) short of a (XXX) – and other insults
All those and more. This is it: The canononical list of insults. More than 1000 nasty saying in more or less alphabetical order. (Yes, there are a few duplicates. I'm a few insults short of a list.)
- $HOME = /dev/null.
- 3K RAM free, no EMS.
- A .22 caliber intellect in a .357 Magnum world.
- A 1.0 in a 4.5 installation.
- A 10K brain attached to a 9600 baud mouth.
- A 20th century man ... The guy has no future.
- A 3.5-inch drive, but data on punch cards.
- A bad case of colon nose.
- A barnacle on the ship of progress.
- A black-and-white mind working on a color-coded problem.
- A brain like a BB in a boxcar / box of Corn Flakes.
- A butter knife in a steak / prime rib world.
- A candidate for optorectomy. (Disconnection of optic nerve from rectum, to repair a crappy outlook on life.)
- A couple of blocks behind the parade.
- A couplet short of a sonnet.
- A day late and a dollar short.
- A deadbolt with a broken cylinder.
- A dim bulb in the marquee of life.
- A face designed for radio.
- A face designed in a wind tunnel.
- A few beers short of a six-pack.
- A few bombs/melons short of a full load.
- A few bricks short of a wall.
- A few clowns short of a circus.
- A few dice short of a full bag / role-player.
- A few french fries short of a Happy Meal.
- A few open splices.
- A few peas short of a casserole.
- A few photons short of a hologram / holodeck.
- A few pickles short of a jar.
- A few pies short of a holiday.
- A few planes short of an Air Force.
- A few revisions behind.
- A few sandwiches short of a picnic.
- A few screws loose.
- A few spoons short of a full set.
- A few tiles missing from his space shuttle.
- A few tiles short of a successful re-entry.
- A few too many lights out in his Christmas tree.
- A few volts below threshold.
- A few yards short of the hole.
- A flash of light, a cloud of dust, and ... What was the question?
- A flower short of an arrangement.
- A flying buttress short of a cathedral.
- A great deal of pride, but very little to be proud of.
- A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
- A handle short of a suitcase.
- A hemorrhoid on the face of the world.
- A hop, skip, and jump from success, but to get there he'd have to give up chewing gum.
- A kangaroo loose in her top paddock.
- A lap behind the field.
- A legend in his own mind.
- A little light in his loafers.
- A logically defunct twit.
- A looney tune.
- A lot of feathers but not much chicken.
- A medical mystery.
- A mental midget with the IQ of a fencepost.
- A mental midget.
- A mind as empty as the sleeping pill concession at a honeymoon hotel.
- A mind like wet tennis shoes ... Makes squishy noises when running.
- A minefield of information.
- A modest little person, with much to be modest about.
- A natural talent for finding subliminal messages in ice cubes.
- A Neanderthal brain in a Cro-Magnon body.
- A notch off the timing mark.
- A one-bit brain with a parity error.
- A pacifist out of necessity / always loses in a battle of wits.
- A pane short of a window.
- A PBS mind in an MTV world.
- A penalty kick over the bar.
- A peripheral visionary.
- A person of rare intelligence ... It's rare when he shows any.
- A photographic memory, but no film / never developed / the lens cover is glued on.
- A poor excuse for protoplasm.
- A prime candidate for natural deselection.
- A quart low.
- A real rocket scientologist.
- A real space cadet.
- A return with no gosub.
- A room temperature IQ -- centigrade.
- A semitone flat on the high notes.
- A signature short of a book.
- A single-cylinder brain in a V8 world.
- A six-pack short of a case.
- A sleeve/button short of a shirt.
- A socketless drone in a plug-and-play world.
- A span short of a bridge.
- A square with only three sides.
- A standard deviant.
- A statue in a world of pigeons.
- A T1 line of pure stupid.
- A teabag short of a pot.
- A teapot with a cracked lid.
- A titanic intellect ... In a world full of icebergs.
- A tower short of a castle.
- A vacuum-tube brain in a microchip world.
- A VGA card and a Herc monitor.
- A victim of retroactive birth control.
- A violin minus the bow.
- A walking argument for birth control / post-natal abortion.
- A waste of skin.
- A wind-up clock without a key.
- About half smart.
- Adult child of alien invaders.
- Afraid she'll void her warranty if she thinks too much.
- Ain't no psionicist.
- Airhead / bubble-brain.
- Aliens zapped him with a stupidity ray -- twice.
- Alive today only because it's illegal to kill him.
- All belt, no trousers.
- All booster, no payload.
- All cassette, no tape.
- All crown, no filling.
- All fetch and no execute.
- All foam, no beer.
- All foliage, no fruit.
- All hammer, no nail.
- All hat and no cattle.
- All hawk and no spit.
- All he remembers about his middle name is the first letter.
- All his eggs in the same basket.
- All his learning curves look like Mount Everest.
- All icing, no cake.
- All lace curtains, no knickers.
- All lime and salt, no tequila.
- All missile, no warhead.
- All of his bytes are odd.
- All Preparation, no H.
- All shot, no powder.
- All show, no go.
- All signs and no scenery.
- All the lights don't shine in her marquee.
- All the notes, none of the music.
- All the personality of linoleum flooring / plasticene / putty / caulking / saran wrap / a bowl of oatmeal / a plastic spoon.
- All the sex appeal of a wet paper bag.
- All thrust/mach, no vector.
- All wax and no wick.
- Alphabetizes junk mail / T-shirts / canonical lists.
- Already visualizing the duct tape over his mouth.
- Always in the right place, but at the wrong time.
- Always late ... Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
- Always needs to have jokes explained.
- Always responds to "Make Money Fast" postings on the Net.
- Always sharpening his sleeping skills.
- Always speaks her mind, so usually she's speechless.
- Amplifier turned all the way up but no one's playing / all I hear is white noise.
- An 8080 in a 68000 environment.
- An AA battery in a D-cell world.
- An alligator. (All mouth, no ears.)
- An Apple //e on UUCP.
- An early example of the Peter Principle.
- An ego like a black hole.
- An example of how the dinosaurs survived for millions of years with walnut-sized brains.
- An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
- An expert on padded cells.
- An expert on the historical significance of cottage cheese.
- An inch short and a stroke early.
- An innundated receptacle of primordial ooze.
- An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
- An XT clone in a Pentium zone.
- And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load.
- Ano-fossal ambiguity. (Can't tell his ass from a hole in the ground.)
- Another engineering prototype that should not have been shipped.
- Answers the door when the phone rings.
- Any connection between his reality and ours is purely coincidental.
- Any similarity between him and a human being is purely coincidental.
- Any slower and he'd be in reverse.
- Any smarter and he'd be retarded.
- Argues with herself -- and loses!
- As a baby his parents stood him on his soft spot.
- As bent as a corkscrew.
- As bright as a nightlight / small appliance bulb / tulip bulb.
- As dumb as an ox.
- As focused as a fart.
- As funny as a fire in a children's home.
- As handy as a whiskbroom and twice as intelligent.
- As happy as if he had brains / was in his right mind.
- As happy as the village idiot.
- As popular as a French kiss at a family reunion.
- As popular as a pork pie at a Jewish wedding / synagogue.
- As queer/rare as a nine bob note.
- As quick as a corpse.
- As sensible as entering an ass-kicking contest with a porcupine.
- As sharp as a bag of wet mice.
- As sharp as a donut / marble / bowling ball / beachball / pin head / wet sponge / bowl of Jello / mashed potato sandwich / boiled weiner / pound of wet leather, and twice as smart.
- As sharp as a sack full of wet mice.
- As smart as a politician/lawyer is honest.
- As smart as an automatic email responder script.
- As smart as bait.
- As smart as Christie Brinkley is ugly.
- As strong as an ox and as dumb as two.
- As thick as champ. (Irish: champ is mostly mashed spuds and cabbage.)
- As thick as two short planks / two half bricks.
- As thick as two short planks.
- As useful as a back pocket in a vest. (British: vest = undershirt.)
- As useful as a brick lifevest.
- As useful as a carpet fitter's ladder.
- As useful as a cheese sandwich to a drowning ferret.
- As useful as a chocolate teapot / fireguard.
- As useful as a condom vending machine in the Vatican.
- As useful as a football bat.
- As useful as a fur-lined walking stick.
- As useful as a glass hammer.
- As useful as a hip pocket on a T-shirt.
- As useful as a kickstand on a horse.
- As useful as a lead parachute.
- As useful as a mint-flavored suppository.
- As useful as a spit valve on a guitar.
- As useful as a top hat with pockets.
- As useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle.
- As useful as an inflatable cheeseknife.
- As useful as bolognese sauce on shoe laces.
- As useful as bookends down a well.
- As useful as dinosaur repellent.
- As useful as green stop lights.
- As useful as passing gas in a spacesuit / boiler suit.
- As useful as piss on a forest fire.
- As useful as reverse gear on a lawn mower.
- As useful as tits on a bullfrog / bull / boar-hog / turtle.
- As welcome as a priest at a cub scout jamboree.
- As welcome as John Ashcroft at a NAMBLA convention.
- As welcome as Michael Jordan at a Hair Club for Men convention.
- As welcome as Saddam Hussein at a Dick Cheney roast.
- As welcome as Sara Brady at an NRA convention.
- As worn out as a cucumber in a convent.
- At least he has a positive attitude about his destructive habits.
- Attic's a little dusty.
- Back burners not fully operating.
- Backstreet Boy in a Talking Heads world.
- Bad spot on the disk.
- Baler done run out of twine.
- Bandwidth limited.
- Barney's his hero.
- Bats have flown the belfry, and now he's all alone.
- Bats in the belfry.
- Batteries not included.
- Beamed down and back up one too many times.
- Beating his head around the bush.
- Been napping in front of the ion shield again.
- Been one too many times through the wormhole.
- Been playing with his wand too much.
- Been playing with the pharmacy section again.
- Been short on oxygen one time too many.
- Been using her head as a mass driver.
- Behind the eight-ball.
- Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner.
- Blew his O-rings.
- Blew the hatch before the lock sealed.
- Blocked one too many hockey pucks / soccer balls / punches with his head.
- Blown/leaking head gasket.
- Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
- Body off Baywatch, face off Crimewatch.
- Born a day late and like that ever since.
- Born during low tide in / swimming in the shallow end of the gene pool.
- Born too late -- he'd have been a great Neanderthal.
- Born ugly and built to last.
- Born ugly, and built to last.
- Both oars in the water, but on the same side of the boat.
- Brain as busy as a hog farmer in Israel/Iran/ ...
- Brain is running on empty.
- Brain like a hard drive with no read/write head.
- Brain permanently in power saving / 8-bit mode.
- Brain transplant donor.
- Bright as a Zippo lighter without a flint.
- Bright as Alaska in December.
- Bright as an acetylene torch -- without an oxygen supply.
- Brings a knife to a gunfight.
- Brings binoculars to submarine races.
- Broadcasts static.
- Bubbles in her think tank.
- Bubbles/leaks in her think tank.
- Buddy breathing with himself. (SCUBA term.)
- Built a special showcase for his herd of pet rocks.
- Busier than a one-armed paper hanger.
- Busier than a one-legged cat trying to cover its excreta on a frozen pond.
- Busy as a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest.
- Caboose seems to be pulling the engine.
- Cackles a lot, but I ain't seen no eggs yet.
- Calling from a rotary phone.
- Calling her stupid would be an insult to stupid people.
- Calling him a pea brain would be an undeserved compliment.
- Calls people to ask them their phone number.
- Came out of his last mission smelling like a genius.
- Can be outwitted by a jar of Marshmallow Fluff.
- Can discern facts and form predictions with the acumen of an economist.
- Can easily be confused with facts.
- Can only remember her old passwords.
- Can only shoot pool with a left-handed cue stick.
- Can't count his balls and get the same answer twice.
- Can't dial 911 because she can't find "11" on the phone.
- Can't distinguish jacking off and stropping a razor.
- Can't find his ass with two hands and a periscope/ compass/flashlight/bloodhound (in a locked closet).
- Can't find his couch in the living room.
- Can't find his dick in a dark room.
- Can't find log base two of 65536 without a calculator.
- Can't hold water in a bucket.
- Can't program his way out of a for-loop.
- Can't tell his hole from an ass in the ground.
- Car's only got three wheels, and one's going flat.
- Carrier wave unmodulated.
- Carries a tire gauge in her purse.
- Carrying an empty Easter basket.
- Cart can't hold all the groceries.
- Cauliflower for brains.
- Cerebrum vaccuoso. (Empty head.)
- Changes hands and picks up a stroke.
- Charming as a carbuncle.
- Cheats when filling out opinion polls.
- Cheezwiz for brains.
- Chimney's clogged.
- Clock doesn't have all its numbers.
- Closer to the edge than a bicycle on the autobahn.
- Cold / flat / dry as a witch's tit.
- Colder than a well-digger's ass in the Klondike.
- Collects cards for Craig.
- Colo-cranial compaction.
- Communications with him is limited to ping.
- Confused as a baby in a topless bar.
- Confused as a lesbian in a fishmongers.
- Conserves toilet paper by using both sides.
- Consumes hard drugs as vitamins.
- Contributes to collections like this one without searching first to see if their little gem is already listed.
- Contributes to the population problem.
- Could only be loved/missed if the minister read someone else's eulogy.
- Could qualify as a houseplant if he learned to photosynthesize.
- Couldn't balance a checkbook if Einstein helped.
- Couldn't be shown that his ass was on fire with a flashlight and a three-way mirror.
- Couldn't count to 21 if he were barefoot and without pants.
- Couldn't engineer his way out of a wet paper bag.
- Couldn't figure it out if God gave him the instruction manual.
- Couldn't find his way through a maze even if the rats helped him.
- Couldn't find oil with a dipstick.
- Couldn't find two Saint Bernards if they were in the same telephone booth with him.
- Couldn't get a clue during clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if he smeared his body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance.
- Couldn't get laid if he crawled up a chicken's rear end and waited his turn.
- Couldn't get laid in a monkey whorehouse with a sack of bananas.
- Couldn't hit sand if he fell off a camel.
- Couldn't hit the broad side of a barn if he were standing inside.
- Couldn't hit water if he fell out of a boat.
- Couldn't organize a piss-up in a brewery.
- Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
- Couldn't run out of sight on a dark night / in a week.
- Couldn't scratch his ass with a hand full of fish hooks.
- Couldn't tell which way the elevator was going if he had two guesses.
- Couldn't think his way out of a paper bag.
- Couldn't think/pee/fight his way out of a paper bag.
- Couldn't walk on water at absolute zero.
- Couldn't write dialog for a porno flick.
- Coverage 90%; signal strength 10%.
- CPU doesn't pick up on all clock cycles.
- CPU is always in powersave mode.
- CPU not connected to the bus.
- Cranial cavity filled with neutronic matter.
- Cranial cavity filled with neutronic matter. (Really dense.)
- Cranio- rectally inverted.
- Cranio-rectally inverted.
- Creates his swap file in a RAM disk.
- Cunning as a dodo bird.
- Cursor's flashing but there's no response.
- Dealing with him is less fun than going to the dentist.
- Dealing with him is one angst worse than a blind date.
- Deep as her dimples / reflection in a mirror.
- Deep down, she's shallow.
- Defective hard drive / boot sector.
- Dense as a London fog / neutron star.
- Depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
- Diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
- Diarrhea of the mouth; constipation of the ideas.
- Differently clued.
- Dock doesn't quite reach the water.
- Does aerobics ... in his head.
- Does everything the hard way, like making love standing up in a hammock.
- Does the work of three men: Larry, Curly, and Moe. (Three Stooges).
- Doesn't adjust for leap years.
- Doesn't consider his drive a slice unless it lands two fairways over.
- Doesn't have a brain, just a primitive nerve bundle.
- Doesn't have a fart's prayer in a hurricane.
- Doesn't have a round in every chamber.
- Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.
- Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash / cups in the cupboard / groceries in the same bag.
- Doesn't have all the dots on his dice / pens in her plotter.
- Doesn't have both oars in the water -- can't even find the damn boat.
- Doesn't have both oars in the water.
- Doesn't have elastic in both of his socks.
- Doesn't have his belt through all the loops.
- Doesn't have sixteen annas to the rupee.
- Doesn't have the brain power to toast a crouton.
- Doesn't have the sense God gave an animal cracker.
- Doesn't have two neurons to rub together.
- Doesn't just know nothing; doesn't even suspect much.
- Doesn't just wear perfume, she marinates in it.
- Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.
- Doesn't know whether to scratch his watch or wind his balls.
- Doesn't know which side the toast is buttered on.
- Doesn't need to worry about excess knowledge.
- Doesn't put the cross-hairs on the target.
- Doesn't quite sample at the Nyquist rate.
- Doesn't suffer from ear pressure when flying at altitude.
- Doesn't suffer from stress, she's a carrier.
- Don't blame him, he's from Uranus.
- Don't know what his problem is, but it's hard to pronounce.
- Donated her body to science fiction.
- Donated her body to science ... before she was done using it.
- Donated her body to scientists ... Before she was done using it.
- Downhill skiing in Iowa.
- Driveway doesn't quite reach the garage / street.
- Driving at night with the lights off.
- Driving down the road of life with his sun shield in place.
- Driving with his tailgate down (and stuff is falling out).
- Driving with two wheels in the sand / not all wheels on the pavement.
- Driving with two wheels in the sand.
- Dropped his second stage too soon.
- Dropped on his head as a child.
- "Duh!" on parade.
- Dumb as asphalt / dirt / a mud fence / a stump / a sack of hammers.
- Dumber than a chicken / box of hair/rocks / sled tracks.
- Dumber than a chicken / box of hair/rocks.
- During evolution his ancestors were in the control group.
- Ears are redirected to /dev/null.
- Easier to count the bricks left than the bricks missing.
- Echoes between the ears.
- Eight pawns short of a gambit.
- Eighth of seven.
- Either the good twin or the evil one, hard to say.
- Electroencephalographically challenged.
- Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor / penthouse / mezzanine.
- Elevator goes all the way to the top but the door doesn't open.
- Elevator is on the ground floor and he's pushing the Down button.
- Elevator to the brain suite is out of order.
- Emails a one-line contribution to this list with a full copy of the list attached.
- End of season sale at the cerebral department.
- Enjoys listening to telemarketers.
- Enough sawdust between the ears to bed an elephant.
- Even a two button mouse gives him too many options.
- Even in victory, he's a loser.
- Evidence for the theory of a missing link.
- Evolved from a toxic waste dump.
- Face like she's been in a plane crash.
- Failed the Turing test.
- Fell out of the family tree.
- Fifty-one cards short of a full deck.
- Fighting the war with a starter pistol / water pistol / pop gun / cap gun.
- Finds a flat by swapping tires.
- Finds canonical humor collections amusing.
- Finds Sesame Street / knock-knock jokes challenging.
- Fired from McDonald's for having a short attention span.
- Fired her retro-rockets a little late.
- First to admit he's a slow thinker -- actually, more like the seventy-first.
- Five bullets in his six-shooter.
- Flaky.
- Flying on a cold shot. (Inadequate force from a steam catapult launch on an aircraft carrier.)
- Flying/landing on one engine.
- Focused like a 12 gauge shotgun.
- Fog rolled in the day he was born, and a bit of it never rolled out.
- Folds ace plus red jack hand when playing blackjack.
- For those who never forget a face, his is an exception.
- Foreign substances float in his cranial fluids.
- Forgot to pay his brain bill.
- Found his marbles, but is playing jacks with them.
- Four bits short of a full DEC.
- Four bows short of a string quartet.
- Four cents short of a nickel.
- Fruit looking for a cake to happen.
- Fruity as a nutcake.
- Full of wisdumb.
- Full throttle, dry tank.
- Fur coat and no knickers. (Scottish expression.)
- Gasoline engine, diesel fuel.
- Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
- Gates/barriers are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
- Gavel doesn't quite hit the bench.
- Gears grind/don't always mesh.
- Gets a charge out of pissing on electric fences.
- Gets her mail at an unknown zip code.
- Gets his orders from another planet.
- Gets hypnotized on the de-spun section.
- Gets hypnotized on the despun section.
- Gets lost in thought -- it's unfamiliar territory.
- Gets parity errors under load.
- Gives a lot of bull for somebody what ain't got no cattle.
- Gives short planks a bad name.
- Goalie for the dart team.
- Goalie for the dart/javelin team.
- God might still use him for miracle practice.
- God's favorite target for lightning strikes.
- Goes with the flow ... He's a bed wetter.
- Good at quantum tunneling but not much else.
- Got a life, but wasn't sure what to do with it.
- Got help, but it didn't help.
- Got his brains as a stocking stuffer.
- Got in touch with reality, but it was a bad connection.
- Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
- Got up on the wrong side of bed again this morning -- like always.
- Great helm needs some padding.
- Guillotining him would make only an aesthetic difference.
- Gyros are loose.
- Habits explainable if he was raised by wolves.
- Had a head crash / her server's crashed.
- Had a head crash.
- Had his brain been constructed of silk, he would have been hard-pressed to find the material to make a canary a set of cami-knickers.
- Haggles wrong.
- Half a bubble off plumb.
- Happiness is seeing her picture on a milk carton.
- Hard to distinguish from the tail end of a horse.
- Hard to tell if he has an ace up his sleeve or if the ace is missing from his deck altogether.
- Has 100-meter talent, but is half a mile into the marathon of life.
- Has a bird's-eye view, and a brain to match.
- Has a bus fault problem.
- Has a divide-by-zero look on his face.
- Has a face only a mother could love -- but she hates it too.
- Has a few wait states.
- Has a full six-pack but lacks the plastic thing to hold them together.
- Has a hole in his bucket.
- Has a leak in his ceiling / one of her hoses.
- Has a leak in his ceiling.
- Has a mind like a mousetrap, but should let some of those poor mice go.
- Has a one-way ticket on the Disoriented Express.
- Has a personality all her own ... No one else wanted it.
- Has a photogenic memory.
- Has a pulse, but that's about all.
- Has a random memory fault.
- Has a slow clock.
- Has a sparse matrix.
- Has a terminal case of dumb-ass.
- Has a two-bit operating system.
- Has achieved inner peace, but still displays outer obnoxiousness.
- Has all her bricks, but no cement holding them together.
- Has all the brains God gave a duck's ass.
- Has an hourglass figure, but most of the sand is on the p.m. side.
- Has an inferiority complex, but not a very good one.
- Has an IQ of 2, and it takes 3 to grunt.
- Has been seen tossing bread crumbs to helicopters.
- Has change for a seven dollar bill.
- Has delusions of adequacy.
- Has FINO (first in never out) memory.
- Has her headquarters where her hindquarters should be.
- Has his brain on cruise control again.
- Has his solar panels aimed at the moon.
- Has it floored in neutral.
- Has lots of books, but all he does is lick the ink off the pages.
- Has no discretionary intellect.
- Has no upper stage.
- Has nothing to say, but delights in saying it.
- Has only one chopstick in the chowmein.
- Has over 1000 funny insults saved in a file, but can't remember any of them.
- Has plenty of talent and vision, just doesn't give a damn.
- Has resonance where others have brains.
- Has signs on both ears saying "Space for Rent".
- Has signs on both ears saying "Space for Rent".
- Has so few thoughts that when he free associates, it's like watching tennis.
- Has the attention span of an overripe grapefruit.
- Has the brains of a house plant / turnip (cooked).
- Has the Grand Canyon under the crew cut.
- Has the IQ of a salad bar / an ice cube / cantalope / three below houseplant.
- Has the keen awareness of an ostrich in hiding.
- Has the mental agility of a soap dish.
- Has the personality of a snail on Valium.
- Has the same talent as Dr. Doolittle.
- Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
- Has uncorrected Y2K bugs.
- Hasn't caught on that X and Y are relative values.
- Hasn't got all his china in the cupboard.
- Hasn't got the brains God gave a cat.
- Hasn't got the brains of a retarded anvil/oyster.
- Hasn't got the full 2% difference (between primate and human DNA).
- Hasn't lost his mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere.
- Having a party in his head, but no one else is invited / dancing.
- Having a party in his head, but no one else is invited.
- Having a temporary stupid attack. (rejoinder: "just temporary?").
- He came, he saw, he clutched.
- HE CAN ONLY TYPE IN UPPER CASE.
- He can push but he can't pop.
- He could give stupid lessons to a brick/post.
- He couldn't lead flies to a hog lot.
- He demonstrates that beauty times brains is a constant.
- He donated his brain to science but they made an early withdrawal.
- He fell out of the stupid/ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
- He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
- He has a bad brains-to-balls ratio.
- He has a good point ... Six inches above his eyes.
- He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
- He has two left feet.
- He hasn't a single redeeming vice.
- He is a man of few words and he does not know what either of them mean.
- He is a mouth-breather.
- He knows computers ... He's not fit for contact with humans.
- He went off to cry to mommie/auntie.
- He writes blank checks on a closed account.
- He'd screw up a two-car funeral procession.
- He'll eventually qualify as a Darwin Award winner.
- He's a General Protection Fault trigger.
- He's a man on a mission, but can't find his dossier.
- He's as soppy as a sack. (British).
- He's been invited to every party in town ... Once.
- He's completely West Ham. (Two stops short of Barking on the London Underground.)
- He's diagnosable.
- He's in a federal witless protection program.
- He's not a complete idiot -- some parts are missing.
- He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost.
- He's really into himself ... His head is up his ass.
- He's so dense, light bends around him.
- He's so dense, the Titanic wouldn't sink in his head.
- Hears everything that a dog can.
- Hears more lyrics on records when they're played backwards.
- Helmet's small.
- Her access time approaches infinity.
- Her ancestors came to this country looking for bananas.
- Her ass is sucking swamp gas.
- Her blender doesn't go past "mix".
- Her body is rejecting her.
- Her brain cells are as hard to isolate as concern for his/her electorate.
- Her brain comes with single-bit error detection and half-assed error correction.
- Her brain has a corrupted filesystem / someone needs to run fsck on her brain.
- Her brain is as useless as a mule's gonads.
- Her brain is more like a Rube Goldberg device than a computer.
- Her cache is incoherent.
- Her career is just taking off -- she's never at work.
- Her closet is full of hangars, but no clothing.
- Her dentist went deaf from the drill's echoes.
- Her dialing thumb must be broken.
- Her display is always flashing 12:00.
- Her driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side.".
- Her ears serve the same function as holes in a dribble glass.
- Her face is a threat to clocks everywhere.
- Her files are compressed 100%.
- Her finals are burned out.
- Her friends took her aside, and left her there.
- Her gene pool could use a little chlorine / a good filter.
- Her head doesn't cast a shadow.
- Her head needs a periodic whack on the side.
- Her input pipe is broken.
- Her interrupt handler hit a loop.
- Her IQ is the reason they had to invent negative/imaginary numbers.
- Her kid is an honor student, but she's still an idiot.
- Her leads need resoldering.
- Her learning curve is fractal.
- Her life is a continuous series of senior moments / brain cramps.
- Her lint trap is full.
- Her lists are unlinked.
- Her memory is truly random-access.
- Her mental function can be graphed with a single dot.
- Her mere presence causes parity errors, power fails, and head crashes.
- Her mind is not grounded to a logic supply.
- Her mind might have spontaneously combusted.
- Her mind works like lightning: One brilliant flash and it is gone.
- Her mind would be unstable even mounted on a tripod.
- Her modem lights are on but there's no carrier.
- Her objects are not fully oriented.
- Her only hope for brainpower is vacuum point energy.
- Her personal problems can only be solved using high explosives.
- Her phone doesn't quite reach her desk.
- Her pool balls don't fit into the rack.
- Her positronic matrix won't reboot.
- Her purpose in life is to balance out the bell curve.
- Her random access is the same as her sequential access.
- Her sewing machine's been out of thread for some time now.
- Her ski lift doesn't go to the top of the hill.
- Her stack has been corrupted.
- Her synapses are about |that| far apart.
- Her system file has zero bytes.
- Her tires are a little low.
- Her walls don't go all the way to the ceiling.
- Her wheels are turning but she's upside down.
- Her wipers don't touch the glass.
- Her word length is zero bits.
- Hid behind the door when they passed out brains.
- High relative humidity ... He's lost in a fog.
- His access light's on, but the drive isn't spinning / is still spinning up.
- His accumulator overflows at zero.
- His actual mileage varies.
- His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
- His antenna/radio doesn't pick up all the channels/stations.
- His boot block is in a bad sector.
- His boot ROM has a bad checksum.
- His brackets are mismatched.
- His brain could be the perfect dielectric.
- His brain is sueing for neglect.
- His brain was sold separately and they were out of stock.
- His brain would rattle around in a gnat's navel.
- His bread ain't done.
- His buffer is full.
- His carpet doesn't reach from wall to wall.
- His clock's ticking but it's not telling time.
- His clutch is slipping.
- His data bus stops for red lights.
- His deck has no face cards.
- His elevator is stuck between floors.
- His face is on a coin ... On the edge.
- His family tree is a telephone pole.
- His family wasn't dysfunctional until he arrived.
- His feedback loop is open.
- His freelist is empty.
- His future is behind schedule.
- His gene line isn't just dead, it's extinct.
- His golf bag does not contain a full set of irons.
- His grades were so bad, after school he couldn't even get into prison.
- His grey matter is brown / doesn't matter.
- His head is a real data suppository.
- His head whistles in a cross wind.
- His home page is out of order.
- His home planet is flat.
- His IQ test results were negative / IQ is a false positive.
- His jack can't get the car off the ground.
- His military nomenclature is ID-10-T (idiot).
- His mind is a few Hertz off its assigned frequency.
- His mind is great at error magnification.
- His mind is less substantial than the Emperor's new clothes.
- His mind is on vacation but his mouth is working overtime.
- His mind is write-protected/write-only.
- His mind reached escape velocity and achieved orbit.
- His mind wandered and he went along for the ride / never came back.
- His motto is: Space, the final frontier.
- His mouth rarely makes calls to his brain.
- His only hope for sexual variety is vegetables / to change hands.
- His outgoing message starts with, "Hello, Mr. Answering Machine.".
- His page was intentionally left blank.
- His picture is in the dictionary under "zero".
- His pointers are null/uninitialized.
- His puzzle is missing a few pieces.
- His reaction time is longer than his attention span.
- His root file system isn't mounted.
- His seat back is not in the full upright and locked position.
- His shared libraries aren't installed.
- His signal-to-noise ratio is epsilon.
- His signature is long, boring, and stupid, but it's the best part of his postings.
- His spark can't jump the gap.
- His spirit guide is a three-toed sloth.
- His stack's not very deep / he has an eight-byte stack.
- His strings aren't null-terminated.
- His strip is demagnetized.
- His system administrator is never in.
- His train tracks aren't quite parallel.
- His URL denies outside access.
- His warp core is offline.
- His watch dog is sleeping.
- His Wheaties have been in the milk too long.
- His wisdom is stolen from bumper-stickers and T-shirts.
- His wits have left the rails and are careening about the countryside.
- His X, Y, and Z axes don't meet at the origin.
- Hitler's evil twin.
- Holds a grudge until it dies of old age, then has it stuffed and mounted.
- Hyperspatially interconnected / permanently disconnected neural net.
- Hypnotized as a child and couldn't be woken.
- I like him; he reminds me of when I was young and stupid.
- I would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
- I wouldn't piss in his ear if his brain was on fire.
- I'd like to buy him for what he's worth and sell him for what he thinks he's worth.
- I've worn dresses with higher IQs than his.
- If brains were bird droppings, he'd have a clean cage.
- If brains were chocolate, he wouldn't have enough for an M&M.
- If brains were dynamite, she wouldn't have enough to blow her nose / her hat off / the wax out of her ears.
- If brains were farts, he couldn't stink up the inside of a matchbox.
- If brains were gasoline, he couldn't ride a moped around a fruit loop.
- If brains were gasoline, he wouldn't have enough to drive a dinky car around the inside of a cheerio.
- If brains were grains of sand, he couldn't fill a dixie cup.
- If brains were lard, he'd be hard pressed to grease a small pan.
- If brains were leather, he couldn't saddle a flea.
- If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
- If brains were water, hers wouldn't be enough to baptize a flea.
- If dumb were dirt, he'd be an acre.
- If fashion law is ever enforced, he'll be found guilty without hope of parole.
- If God tried to help him, we'd have an eight day week.
- If he did any less he'd stop breathing.
- If he didn't exist, he wouldn't be worth inventing.
- If he donated his brain to science it'd set civilization back 50 years.
- If he gets any denser, the geocentric theory of the universe will come true.
- If he had a lobotomy he'd depressurize.
- If he had another brain (cell), it would be lonely.
- If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
- If he had brains, he'd take them out and play with them.
- If he had console lights, we would see only the idle loop patterns.
- If he had half a brain, his ass would be lopsided.
- If he were an Indian, Custer would be alive today / would have died of old age.
- If he were any brighter he'd be in the visible spectrum.
- If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
- If her brains were put in a hummingbird, it would fly backwards.
- If his brain were a hard drive, it would back up on a single floppy.
- If his brains were money, he'd still be in debt.
- If his IQ was two points higher he'd be a rock.
- If ignorance were bliss, she'd be orgasmic.
- If it's not in his horoscope/tea leaves, he doesn't take it seriously.
- If men were dominoes, he would be the double-blank.
- If not for his scrotum, he would lose his balls.
- If sex appeal were dynamite, he couldn't blow the cobwebs off his balls.
- If she had a disk we could upgrade her with DOS 3.0.
- If she moved any slower she'd rust.
- If she was any dumber, she'd be a green plant.
- If stupidity hurt, he'd go through life on a morphine drip.
- If stupidity were a crime, he'd be number one on the Most Wanted list.
- If the government ever declared war on stupidity, he'd get nuked.
- If there were a merciful God he'd be dead by now.
- If they each had half a brain, they'd still only have half a brain.
- If they knock heads, implosion will suck all the air out of the room.
- If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's practically invulnerable.
- If wit were shit, he'd be constipated.
- If you called him a wit, you'd be half right.
- If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change back.
- If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
- Ignorant, and proud of it.
- Immune from any serious head injury.
- Immune to caffeine and all other stimulants.
- Immune to illusions.
- In a tub of Preparation H, he'd shrink down to thumb size.
- In his optimum environment, he'd be locked in a life and death struggle with mushrooms.
- In line for brains, thought they said pains, and said, "No, thanks".
- In line for brains, thought they said trains, and asked for one with lots of steam / said his dad just bought him one.
- In line for brains, thought they said were handing out milkshakes, and he asked for "extra thick.".
- In need of a ROM upgrade.
- In serious need of attitude adjustment.
- In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little farther apart than most.
- In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy store.
- In touch with her higher power, but out of touch with the rest of us.
- Includes a "thank you" note with her tax returns.
- Infinite space between her ears.
- Informationally deprived.
- Inhabits her own private timezone.
- Inspected by #13.
- Inspired the slogan, "A mind is a terrible thing to waste.".
- Intellect devourer attacked him and left starving.
- Intellectually challenged.
- Intellectually/synaptically challenged.
- Intelligence somewhere between a pet rock and egg white.
- Invented a pencil with an eraser on each end.
- Invented a submarine with a screen door.
- IOUs in his/her marble bag.
- IQ = dx / (1 + dx), where x = age.
- IQ lower than a snake's belly in a wagon-rut.
- Isn't carrying a full set of golf clubs.
- It's hard to believe he beat 100,000 other sperm.
- Just another flash in the bedpan.
- Just asleep, but others worry that he's dead.
- Keeps her brain in mint condition.
- Keeps his imagination on a long leash.
- Kept an open mind -- and his brains fell out.
- Keywords: generalizations clue get.
- Knitting with only one needle.
- Knows his sports, but his understanding is limited to violence.
- Landed with his gear/brain up and locked.
- Leaky sunroof.
- Left hand threaded.
- Left his booster on the launch pad.
- Left the store without all of his groceries.
- Leveled off before reaching altitude.
- Life by Norman Rockwell, but screenplay by Stephen King.
- Lightbulb over his head is burned out.
- Lights / porch lights are on but nobody's home.
- Lights are on but nobody's home.
- Lights not burning too bright.
- Like a barometer -- vacuum at the top.
- Like a loose-leaf folder in winter.
- Like a one-armed man climbing a rope.
- Like school in the summertime ... No class.
- Likes dunking for french fries / looks like he's been bobbing for french fries.
- Likes to execute his data.
- Little red choo-choo's gone chugging 'round the bend / jumped the track.
- Lives in La-la-land.
- Lives in the same world, but a different universe.
- Lives just up the street from the corner of Walk and Don't Walk.
- Living proof of Einstein's theory that there is no limit to human stupidity.
- Living proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
- Living proof that God did die back in the 60s.
- Living proof that God has a sense of humor.
- Living proof that nature does not abhor a vacuum.
- Living proof that there's ALWAYS someone worse off than you.
- Long on drywall, short on studs.
- Looking for a nickel in the corner of a circular room.
- Looks for the "Any" key.
- Looks just like Bill Gates.
- Looks like he was just dug up.
- Loose chip on the microprocessor board.
- Loose wire to his headset/ringer.
- Lost his marbles / shields.
- Lots of silverware on his table, but no plates.
- Loves a good insult, but can never remember any.
- Low on thinking gas.
- Low-bandwidth as an information source.
- Luckily these types kill themselves before reproducing ... Think of it as evolution in action.
- Lugnuts rattling in the hubcaps.
- Made a career out of mid-life crisis.
- Mainspring's wound too tight.
- Makes a black hole look bright.
- Makes predictions that make weathermen/economists look good.
- Meandering to a different drummer.
- Memorized every Dr. Seuss story written.
- Mental software is Version 1.0 / still in beta test.
- Mentally qualified for handicapped parking.
- Metronome needs oil.
- Might look like he's doing nothing, but at the cellular level he's really quite busy.
- Might still be a virgin except for what nature did to her mind.
- Mind like a steel sieve.
- Mind like a steel trap -- everything gets mangled / full of mice / nothing in, nothing out / rusted shut / someday it will snap shut and swallow his face.
- Missed her last four scheduled tune-ups.
- Missed the last train to Clue Junction.
- Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
- Missing a few catalog cards / gears / marbles.
- Missing a layer of insulation in his attic.
- Missing a stat.
- Monorail doesn't go all the way to Tomorrowland.
- Mooring lines don't reach the dock.
- More armpits than brain cells.
- More marbles in a spray-paint can than brains in his head.
- Mouth is in gear, brain is in neutral.
- Moves his lips to pretend he's reading.
- Must have ignored a knock-down pitch.
- Nearly lives up to her full potential as a dumb blond.
- Nearly on a higher plane, but lost his boarding pass.
- Needed a tutor to learn how to scribble.
- Needs a checkup from the neck up.
- Needs a little remedial evolution.
- Needs a stepladder to pick his nose.
- Needs an operating manual for a screwdriver.
- Needs another brain to make half-wit.
- Needs both hands to wipe his behind.
- Needs front end alignment.
- Needs his disk checked/reformatted.
- Needs his sleeves lengthened by a couple of feet so they can be tied in the back.
- Neither left-brained nor right-brained.
- Nervous as a long-tailed bobcat in a room full of rocking chairs.
- Network constantly loses packets.
- Neurons are firing non-sequentially.
- Never finishes a thoug.
- Never had a headcold in her life since diseases can't exist in a vacuum.
- Never misses an episode of her screensaver.
- Next-day delivery in a nanosecond world.
- Nice color but not enough wattage.
- Nice house but not much furniture / nobody lives there.
- Nine pence in the shilling / not quite the full schilling.
- Nine pence in the shilling.
- Nine rooms; no furniture.
- Nineteen cents short of a paradigm.
- No bubble in his gauge. (Refers to a submarine dive gauge.)
- No charge in her synapses.
- No coins in the old fountain.
- No filter in the coffeemaker.
- No grain in the silo.
- No hands on the rudder/yoke.
- No hay in the loft.
- No one at the throttle.
- No ROM basic.
- No salt in his socks. (Land-lubber or green sailor.)
- No tar in his hemp. (Tar preserves a hemp (marijuana) line; this phrase means one has been smoking his rope.)
- No wind in her mind's windmills.
- Not all his dogs are barking.
- Not an idiot, but plays one in his life.
- Not as dumb as he looks, but that would be impossible.
- Not digging in the same ditch with the rest of us.
- Not done evolving yet.
- Not enough brain cells for the Prozac to be effective.
- Not enough brains to get anywhere NEAR the gutter.
- Not enough bullets for Russian Roulette.
- Not enough change to break a dollar/pound/deutschmark/yen.
- Not enough sense to come in out of the rain.
- Not firing on all four/six/eight cylinders.
- Not firmly seated in the socket / screwed in tight.
- Not hard-docked.
- Not inflated to 90 PSI / head is stamped "inflate to 40 PSI".
- Not just off-base -- he's out of the stadium.
- Not much to show for four billion years of evolution.
- Not only rude, but ugly too.
- Not playing with / dealing from a full deck (-- not even in the game).
- Not ready for prime time.
- Not running on full thrusters.
- Not shooting pool on a level table.
- Not so much of a has-been, as a won't-be.
- Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree / chandelier / light in the harbor / crayon in the box / cookie in the lamp.
- Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree.
- Not the freshest egg in the carton.
- Not the full quid.
- Not the hottest burner on the stovetop.
- Not the same since they took him off his medication.
- Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
- Not the sharpest knife/spoon in the drawer/deck / tool in the shed / nail in the box / quill on the porcupine / pencil in the box / suit in the wardrobe / grape in the bunch.
- Not the shiniest penny in the jar.
- Not Turing equivalent.
- Not wired to code.
- Not within a bull's roar. (A term used by lawn bowlers.)
- Not worth henshit on a pump handle.
- Not worth pissin' on.
- Not wrapped too tight.
- Nothing between the stethoscopes.
- Nothing on her radar.
- Numb as a post / pounded thumb.
- Number 'n a hake. (New England expression; a notoriously stupid fish.)
- Nutty as a fruitcake.
- Of all the things he's lost, he misses his mind the most.
- Off by one.
- Off his rocker.
- Off his rocker/trolley.
- Oil doesn't reach his dipstick.
- On permanent/unexcused leave of absence from his senses.
- On the batting end of a no-hitter.
- On the same page as the rest of us, but not the same part of the page.
- One anna short of a rupee.
- One bead short in her rosary.
- One bean short of chili.
- One bean shy of full strength.
- One beer short of a six-pack / a six-pack short of a case.
- One bird short of a flock.
- One bit short of a byte.
- One bit short of a byte/word.
- One blade short of a sharp edge.
- One block short of a filesystem.
- One board short of a porch.
- One bomb/melon short of a full load.
- One boot stuck in the sand.
- One bottom short of a bucket.
- One Brady short of a Bunch.
- One brick short of a wall/hod/load/pile.
- One brownie short of a full pan.
- One bumper/rail short of a bank shot.
- One bun/donut short of a dozen.
- One byte short of a checksum.
- One byte short of a full 256K SIMM.
- One car short of a chase scene.
- One card/marble short of a full deck.
- One card/marble shy of a full deck.
- One chapter short of a novel.
- One chicken short of a henhouse.
- One chip short of a cookie / megabyte / puddy (Liverpudlian).
- One citation short of a footnote.
- One clearance short of landing/take off.
- One clown short of a circus.
- One clue short of a solution.
- One cold solder joint.
- One color short of a full deck. (A half-wit.)
- One color short of color-coordinated.
- One couplet short of a sonnet.
- One course short of a degree.
- One crayon short of a full box.
- One crouton short of a salad.
- One cup and saucer short of a place setting.
- One cylinder short of a full re-format.
- One dial short of a control panel.
- One diamond short of a ring.
- One dilithium crystal short of warp power.
- One dimension short of reality.
- One doughnut short of being a cop.
- One drool bib short of neat and tidy.
- One drop short of an empty bladder.
- One ear short of a bushel.
- One electron shy of a full shell / noble gas arrangement.
- One expert short of an antitrust suit.
- One feather short of a boa / whole duck / pillow.
- One fish short of a string.
- One floor below the poopdeck.
- One flower short of an arrangement.
- One flying buttress short of a cathedral.
- One foot in the future, one foot in the past, pissing on the present.
- One french fry / hamburger short of a Happy Meal.
- One Froot Loop (sic) short of a full bowl.
- One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl.
- One fruit short of a basket.
- One gene short of a full chromosome.
- One goose short of a gaggle.
- One grape short of a bunch.
- One gunman shy of a posse.
- One guppy short of an aquarium.
- One handle short of a suitcase.
- One harmonic short of a tubular bell.
- One hot pepper short of an enchilada.
- One inch short of a foot/yard.
- One inspection short of passing.
- One kangaroo/sheep short in her top paddock.
- One kernel short of an ear.
- One key short of a piano.
- One kopek short of a ruble.
- One level short of a dungeon.
- One link short of a chain.
- One live brain cell away from being a talking monkey.
- One marshmallow short of a s'more.
- One measure short of a staff.
- One miracle short of being where he thinks he's at.
- One miracle wouldn't be enough to help him.
- One monkey short of a full hundred.
- One node short of a network.
- One nut short of a full pouch.
- One of the early failures of electroshock therapy.
- One open splice.
- One orc short of a war party.
- One pancake short of a stack.
- One pane short of a window.
- One pea short of a pod/casserole.
- One peak short of a chromatogram.
- One pearl short of a necklace.
- One pickle short of a jar.
- One pie short of a holiday.
- One pixel short of a full image.
- One plane short of an Air Force / hangar.
- One planet short of a federation.
- One player short of a solo game.
- One point short of a polygon.
- One potato chip short of a full bag.
- One prayer short of absolution.
- One press short of a CAPS LOCK key. (Types all uppercase.)
- One punch/swing/hit short of a fight.
- One quark short of a hadron.
- One republic short of an empire.
- One revision behind.
- One round short of a full clip.
- One sandwich/apple/ant/pork pie short of a picnic.
- One saucer short of a tea-service.
- One scallop short of a seafood platter.
- One screw loose.
- One screw shy of a final assembly.
- One sentence short of a paragraph.
- One shade short of a rainbow.
- One sheep short of a sweater.
- One shingle short of a roof, and the water's getting in.
- One shingle shy of a roof.
- One ship short of a full fleet.
- One shrimp/prawn/snag (sausage) short of a barbie.
- One side short of a pentagon.
- One signature short of a book.
- One slate short of a full roof.
- One sleeve/button short of a shirt.
- One snowflake short of a ski slope.
- One sock short of a pair.
- One song short of a musical.
- One span short of a bridge.
- One spoon short of a full set.
- One steering wheel / bolt short of a Yugo.
- One step short of the attic / stairs don't go all the way.
- One step short of the attic.
- One stick short of a bundle.
- One straw short of a bale.
- One strawberry short of a quart.
- One strike past being called out.
- One sub short of a party platter.
- One sultana short of a complete fruitcake.
- One taco short of a combination plate.
- One taco/enchilada/chalupa short of a combination/Mexican plate.
- One teabag short of a pot.
- One tilde short of a full URL.
- One tile missing from his space shuttle.
- One tile short of a successful re-entry.
- One too many lights out in his Christmas tree.
- One too many rides on the Zipper.
- One tower short of a castle.
- One tree short of a hammock.
- One vine short of the tree. (For Tarzan types.)
- One volt below threshold.
- One weight short of a shipwreck.
- One weight/wave short of a shipwreck.
- One word short of a.
- One yard short of the hole.
- Only occasionally wets himself under pressure.
- Only one beater in the bowl.
- Only one oar in the water.
- Only opens his mouth to change feet.
- Only playing with 51 cards.
- Only playing with the jokers.
- Operating in stand-by mode.
- Organizationally impaired.
- Ought to have a warning label on his forehead.
- Out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
- Out there where the buses don't run.
- Outlet isn't grounded.
- Over the rainbow.
- Overdue for reincarnation.
- Overruns above 110 baud.
- Paged/swapped out.
- Parallel mind, serial world.
- Parallel world, serial mind.
- Paralyzed from the neck up.
- Parents beat him with an ugly stick.
- Parked his head and forgot where he left it.
- Past her expiration date.
- Pedaling real fast, but not getting anywhere.
- Pedalling real fast, but not getting anywhere.
- People around her are at risk of second hand idiocy.
- Perfect chassis, bad driver.
- Perfect face for Halloween.
- Perfect percussionist for an acapella group (duh, duh, duh ... ).
- Perfect training subject for apprentice hypnotists.
- Permanently out to lunch.
- Permanently rotated 90 degrees from the rest of us.
- Phototrophic on a better day.
- Pins 2 and 3 permanently connected to ground.
- Pitching home runs.
- Playing an endgame with a king and no other pieces.
- Playing baseball with a rubber bat.
- Playing hockey with a warped puck.
- Playing Scrabble, but we can't figure out what words he's building.
- Plays pinochle with a poker deck.
- Plays solitaire ... For cash.
- Plays tennis with no net and finds it challenging.
- Plenty of myelin but not enough neurons.
- Plenty of salt in the shaker, but no holes in the cap.
- Posts empty articles to the Net, and enjoys rereading them later.
- Posts empty articles to Usenet, and enjoys rereading them later.
- Prefers three left turns to one right turn.
- Presses "*" to hang up and then hangs up, instead of just hanging up.
- Pressure's up, but there's a slow leak somewhere.
- Pretty as 20 miles of bad road.
- Produces a zero-length core dump.
- Programmed into an infinite loop.
- Proof that evolution *can* go in reverse.
- Proud of his lawn mower.
- Psycho pneumatic.
- Put a lens in each ear and you've got a telescope.
- Put on Earth to be an oxygen converter.
- Puts a finger in his ear so the draft through his head isn't annoying.
- Putting his brain on the edge of a razor blade would be like putting a pea on a six lane highway.
- Qualifies for the mental express line -- five thoughts or less.
- Quotes entire letters/articles as responses and hides her one line of wisdom in the middle.
- Racing fifty yards with a pregnant woman, he'd come in third.
- Radio's playing but nobody's listening.
- Reading from an empty/blank/unformatted disk.
- Reads a file devoted to humorous put-downs of stupid people and gets offended because it contains derogatory material.
- Reads her newspaper back-to-front.
- Reads Homer in the original Greek, but doesn't know Greek.
- Ready to check in at the HaHa Hilton.
- Ready to join the Anti-Mensa Society.
- Receiver is off the hook.
- Relatively three-dimensional, as fictional characters go.
- Remembered to take her stupid pill again this morning.
- Renewable energy source for hot air balloons.
- Reposts this list when someone asks for it, but it's an old copy.
- Requires retraining after every coffee break.
- Reset line is glitching.
- Result of a first cousin marriage.
- Result of God's experiments to see if humans can function without a brain.
- Room for rent, unfurnished.
- Routinely outsmarted by cheese.
- Roving target for a surface-to-idiot missile.
- RS232C brain with a DIN connector.
- Running at 300 baud.
- Running lights are on but no one's at the helm.
- Running on a 286.
- Running on empty.
- Running open.
- Running U.S. appliances on British current.
- Runs squares around the competition.
- Rusty springs in the mousetrap.
- S p a c e d o u t .
- Sailboat fuel for brains.
- Sailing with a short seabag / a few skivvies short of a seabag. (Contains all of a sailor's possessions including underwear.)
- Sat under the ozone hole too long.
- Says profound things but no one listens and no harm is done.
- Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
- Sending back packets, but the checksums are wrong.
- Serving donuts on another planet.
- Settled some during shipping and handling.
- Seven cans short of a six-pack.
- Seven seconds behind, and built to stay that way.
- Several nuts over fruitcake minimum.
- Several nuts short of a full pouch.
- Sex with her is nearly as exciting as flossing your teeth.
- Sharp, like stone in river. Swift, like tree through forest.
- She believes the three great lies.
- She can piss standing up, but not much else.
- She doesn't suffer from insanity; she enjoys every minute of it.
- She fears success, but really has nothing to worry about.
- She has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
- She looks virtually real today.
- She only packed half a sandwich.
- She only schedules zombie processes.
- She put the ding in dingbat.
- She runs the gamut of emotions from A to B.
- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails them.
- She sounds reasonable ... Must be time to up my medication.
- She stopped to think and forgot to start again.
- She wears a pony tail to cover up the valve stem.
- She worries about the calories licking stamps and envelopes.
- She'll be just fine as soon as virtual reality arrives.
- She's a screensaver. (Looks good, but useless.)
- She's all thumbs.
- She's as daft as a brush. (British).
- She's running on impulse engines.
- She's running real fast, but toward the wrong goal line.
- Shedding a little too much black light.
- Shootin' blanks.
- Short a few cards.
- Short-circuited between the earphones.
- Should be the poster child for family planning.
- Should drive directly to the clue warehouse. (said of a poor driver).
- Should go far -- and the sooner he starts, the better.
- Should have kept his helmet on while riding/playing.
- Should've been a shopkeeper.
- Shouldn't be allowed to breed.
- Shouldn't eat nuts -- for her, it's practically cannibalism.
- Signs of his intelligence are as rare as rocking-horse dung.
- Single-sided, low density.
- Sings along with elevator music.
- Sinking with a deck full of people; her brain cells can't find the lifeboats.
- Sitting in the right pew, but the wrong church.
- Six-packed seven times. (Volleyball slang: "Six-pack" is to spike someone in the head with a volleyball.)
- Skating on the wrong side of the ice.
- Skylight leaks a little.
- Slept too close to his radium-dial watch.
- Slinky's kinked.
- Sloppy as a soup sandwich.
- Slow as molasses in January.
- Slow learner.
- Slow out of the gate.
- Slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
- Smarter than the average bear.
- Smoke doesn't make it to the top of his chimney.
- Snags a copy of this list to their own website without attribution and then allows it to grow stale. (For a good time search the web for recognizable text from this list ... ).
- So boring, his dreams have Muzak.
- So clueless, he could BE God and still be an atheist.
- So dim, his psychic carries a flashlight.
- So dumb, blondes tell jokes about him.
- So dumb, he faxes face up.
- So dumb, he puts postage stamps on outgoing faxes.
- So dumb, his dog teaches him tricks.
- So far gone, hard drugs push him closer to normal.
- So fat, he can't even jump to a conclusion.
- So fat, he's on BOTH sides of the family.
- So fat, his belly button doesn't have lint, it has sweaters.
- So fat, his blood type is Ragu.
- So fat, his driver's license says, "picture continued on other side.".
- So fat, his high school graduation picture was an aerial photograph.
- So fat, I had to take a train and two buses just to get on his good side.
- So fat, people jog around him for exercise.
- So fat, people jump over him rather than go around.
- So fat, she could sell shade.
- So fat, she gets runs in her jeans.
- So fat, she has to iron her pants on the driveway.
- So fat, she has to put her belt on with a boomerang.
- So fat, she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth.
- So fat, she went to the movies and sat next to everyone.
- So fat, she's got smaller fat women orbiting around her.
- So fat, when he gets in an elevator, it HAS to go down.
- So fat, when he goes to a restaurant, she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate.
- So fat, when she goes to the zoo the elephants throw her peanuts.
- So fat, when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.
- So fat, when she turns around, people throw her a welcome back party.
- So fat, when she was diagnosed with flesh eating disease, the doctor gave her 13 years to live.
- So fat, when she was walking down the street and I swerved to miss her, I ran out of gas.
- So mean, he got disqualified from the human race for shoving.
- So slow he has to speed up to stop.
- So slow, he has to speed up to stop.
- So slow, we drive stakes in the ground to measure his progress.
- So stupid, he tries to drown fish.
- So stupid, mind readers charge her half price.
- So stupid, she doesn't go further than Thursday.
- So thick, he sticks to pasta.
- So ugly, robbers give him their masks to wear.
- Sold his car for gas money.
- Solid concrete from the eyebrows backwards.
- Some Assembly Required.
- Some bugs in his software.
- Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
- Some of her inodes have nodded off.
- Some pages missing.
- Somebody lend her a quarter to buy a clue.
- Somebody put a stop payment order on his reality check.
- Someday when she's younger, she'll ________.
- Someone blew out his pilot light.
- Someone else is doing the driving for that boy.
- Someone forgot to plant the seed for his brain stem.
- Someone let the air out of her lock.
- Someone Reverend Spooner would have identified as a shining wit.
- Sort of like an inverse Einstein.
- Source code is missing a few lines.
- Speaks math/FORTRAN better than English.
- Special education graduate.
- Spent a decade on the leading edge of drug experimentation.
- Stares at frozen juice cans because they say, "concentrate".
- Still boots to DOS.
- Still cutting with rounded scissors.
- Still sending messages with his secret decoder ring.
- Still struggling up the evolutionary ladder.
- Still traumatized from the forest fire in "Bambi".
- Still trying to figure out opposable thumbs.
- Stocksy-babes (a truly vile British-slang insult).
- Stocksy-babes. (A truly vile British-slang insult.)
- Strolling through life with one shoelace untied.
- Strong like bull, smart like streetcar.
- Strong, like bull. Smart, like tractor. Beautiful, like KV-2. (A WWII era Russian tank.)
- Stuck on the down escalator of life.
- Studied for a blood test -- and failed.
- Stumped by anything child-proof.
- Subtle as a well-thrown brick.
- Subtle as a wet tongue in the ear / kiss from a cow.
- Suffers from Clue Deficit Disorder.
- Suffers from excessive headspace.
- Suffers from link rot.
- Suffers from Paralysis by Analysis.
- Suffers from permanent rapture of the deep. (Nitrogen narcosis.)
- Supports nativist theories that man is formed from clay.
- Surfing in Nebraska.
- Surfing the Web with a hard-copy terminal.
- Suspend switch is jumpered.
- Swimming in the shallow end of the gene pool.
- Swimming on a cold shot.
- Switch is on, but no one's receiving.
- T minus dumb and counting.
- Takes her 1.5 hours to watch "60 Minutes".
- Takes her an hour to cook minute rice.
- Takes his imagination out for a walk and ends up being dragged around the block by it.
- Talking with her is a career-limiting move.
- Talking with him is a waste of good bandwidth.
- Talks to plants on their own level.
- Tall as a post and just as smart.
- Team player ... No chance he'll develop a personality on his own.
- Technically sound, but socially impossible.
- Teflon brain -- nothing sticks.
- Ten to the dozen.
- The aliens forget to remove his anal probe.
- The bark on her family tree actually involves canines.
- The best part of him ran down his mother's legs.
- The butter slipped off his noodle / pancake.
- The butter slipped off his noodle.
- The cheese slid off his cracker.
- The definitive answer is: Her glass is half empty.
- The eyes are open, the mouth moves, but Mr. Brain has long since departed.
- The fan is working but the freon's leaked out.
- The fire is going well, but the flue is closed.
- The going got weird, and he turned pro.
- The heater's plugged in but the rheostat's shot.
- The march of his intellect is like that of a crab, backward.
- The most rock-hard argument can crash through his airy head and cause only the slightest disturbance in the air currents that surround the void that comprises his knowledge.
- The only place she's ever invited is outside.
- The perfect personality to write software manuals.
- The recesses of his mind are always in recess.
- The result of years of careful inbreeding.
- The sharpest thing he's allowed to play with is a red rubber ball.
- The space between his ears powers vacuum pumps.
- The spit valve's fallen off his trumpet again.
- The twinkle in his eyes is actually the sun shining between his ears.
- The two put together have an IQ over 150.
- The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead.
- The wheel's spinning but the hamster's/gerbil's dead.
- The world's foremost collector of ignorance.
- Their family tree is a tumbleweed.
- There are great people in the world, but she's not one of them.
- There she sits, Finite State Automation at its best.
- There's biscuits on the griddle but the stove ain't on.
- There's intelligent life on his planet, but he isn't it.
- There's no ice cubes in THAT tray.
- There's nothing wrong with you that couldn't be cured with a little Prozac and a polo mallet.
- They had to burn down the school to get her out of third grade.
- They must have done a clean boot on him.
- They never shut up on his planet.
- Thick as a brick / whale omelette.
- Thick as a brick.
- Thick as pig dung and twice as smelly.
- Thicker than a hockey sock full of hammer handles.
- Thinks "Private Enterprise" means owning a personal starship.
- Thinks a permutation is a medical procedure.
- Thinks at 5 baud.
- Thinks cellular phones are carbon-based life forms.
- Thinks Cheerios are doughnut seeds.
- Thinks E=MC^2 is a rap star.
- Thinks everyone else is entitled to his opinion, like it or not.
- thinks in lower case & types accordingly.
- thinks in lower case and types accordingly Thinks like a boar hog looks at a wristwatch.
- Thinks in one-syllable words.
- Thinks like a boar hog looks at a wristwatch.
- Thinks male zebras are the ones with the black stripes.
- Thinks Moby Dick is a kind of venereal disease.
- Thinks Taco Bell is where you pay for your phone calls to Mexico.
- Thinks with a niceness of 20. (Low UNIX process priority.)
- Thirteen short of a dozen.
- Three chickens short of a henhouse.
- Three sigma off the norm.
- Three-bag/coyote ugly. (Ask your mommy to explain.)
- Throws his rod and reel off the bridge when casting.
- Tight / waterproof as a fish's sphincter.
- Tight as a bull's arse in fly season.
- To make him laugh on Saturday, tell him a joke on Wednesday.
- Tone arm is down but no music is playing.
- Too dumb to be bothered when publicly displaying her ignorance.
- Too dumb to know when you're getting smart / playing dumb with him.
- Too many bad drugs, not enough good drugs.
- Too many birds on her antenna.
- Too many jokers and not enough aces in his deck.
- Too many stop bits in his transmissions.
- Too much yardage between the goal posts.
- Too pointless to even be called a pinhead.
- Too slow to catch a cold.
- Too tall for his blood supply.
- Took a spacewalk in the asteroid belt without his helmet.
- Top paddock is full of rocks.
- Tough as toenails after a hot bath.
- Toys in the attic.
- Train of thought derailed / still boarding at the station / has no caboose.
- Traveling faster than light, but left his sneakers behind.
- Traveling without a passport/towel.
- Tried to reinvent the wheel but ended up with a flat tire.
- Tried welding two 2x4s together and burned down his house.
- Tries to forward this list to some friends, but instead ships six copies of it to the editor (groan).
- Trips over cordless phones.
- Truck can't haul a full load.
- Truly believes "neural network" is a new Ted Turner enterprise.
- Trying out for the javelin retrieval team.
- Tuning in shortwave with a TV antenna.
- Two bits short of a word/dollar.
- Two bits shy of a word.
- Two chapters short of a novel.
- Two degrees off square.
- Two inches taller than spherical.
- Two saucers short of a tea-service.
- Two sheep short of a sweater.
- Two socks short of a pair.
- Two suits short of a full deck (a half-wit).
- Types 120 words a minute but her keyboard isn't plugged in.
- Uglier than a hat full of assholes. (Whatever that means.)
- Ugly as a warthog and half as smart.
- Unclear which of Newton's three laws of motion keeps his ears apart.
- Understands English as well as any parrot.
- Used to be utterly clueless, but turned that around 360 degrees.
- Used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
- Useful as a hip pocket on a T-shirt.
- Useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle.
- Useful as tits on a bull / boar-hog.
- Uses all three functional neurons for his best work.
- Uses AOL.
- Uses his head best for rolling Easter eggs.
- Uses his head to keep the rain out of his neck.
- Uses thumbtacks to post notes -- on his refrigerator.
- Uses two hands to eat with chopsticks.
- Using a 1S-2D floppy for brains in a world of hard disks.
- Vacancy on the top floor / at the Gray Matter Motel.
- Vacancy on the top floor.
- Vacuuming linoleum using a deep-pile setting. (Not picking up anything.)
- Vaginally challenged, and preoccupied with the problem.
- Validates my inherent mistrust of strangers.
- Vegitatum davenportae. (Couch potato.)
- Vertically-fornicated mind.
- Views mold as a higher life form.
- Vowel-buyer. (As on the TV show Wheel of Fortune, when the solution is already obvious.)
- Waiting on a toaster that's not plugged in.
- Warning: Objects in her mirror are dumber than they appear.
- Warranty expired.
- Was assimilated by the Borg.
- Was born an acrobat but landed on his head.
- Was born when the planets were misaligned.
- Was first in line for brains, but ended up holding the door open.
- Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
- Was napping in the nut pile the day God was cracking nuts.
- Wasn't abused as a child, but should have been.
- Wasn't fully debugged before being released.
- Wasn't strapped in during launch.
- Watches "Beavis and Butthead" to learn vocabulary.
- Watching programs not listed in TV Guide.
- We're all missing cards from our decks -- and different cards, too.
- We're all refreshed and challenged by her unique point of view.
- We're swimming in boredom and he's handing out anchors.
- Went in for repairs but wasn't tightened with a torque wrench.
- Went to the dentist to have his cranial cavity filled.
- Whatever kind of look she was going for, she missed.
- When a thought crosses her mind, it's a long and lonely journey.
- When God baked his biscuits, He left out the yeast.
- When God said, "Come forth for brains," he came fifth.
- When he collects his thoughts, they fit in a very small container.
- When he was compiled they forgot to #include / / .
- When her window of opportunity opened, she had the shade drawn.
- When opportunity knocked, she refused to open the door.
- When she dances, she makes the band skip.
- When she hauls ass, she has to make two trips.
- When she puts on her lipstick, it keeps backing down the tube.
- When she was born the doctor tried to kill her / slapped her mother.
- When they handed out brains he got the short end of the stick / was at the end of the line.
- When they said "drain", he thought they said "brain".
- Where it says, "Sign here", she writes, "Pisces".
- While he was not dumber than an ox, he wasn't any smarter.
- Whizzes on his shoes and thinks it's raining.
- Whole lotta choppin', but no chips a flyin'.
- Will never get a ticket for speeding.
- Wise as the world is flat.
- With one more neuron he'd have a synapse.
- Won't eat eggs because he believes the "This is your brain" ads.
- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
- Would make an excellent illustration in a proctology textbook.
- Would need help to drool.
- Would starve to death in a grocery store.
- Wouldn't know a tram was up him if the conductor rang his bell.
- Wouldn't know ore if it jumped out of the stope and bit him on the ass.
- Wouldn't make any sense if she ever made sense.
- Wouldn't recognize a clue if he saw one / you showed him one labelled "clue".
- Wouldn't shout if a shark bit him.
- You can hardly tell that he's a simulation.
- Zero K memory.
Let us know what you think. Write to:
Bill Blinn --
Joe Bradley --
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